Tonight I walked down the alley for the first time as it got dark. I felt the tiniest bit of fear and I started thinking about my death again. There are times in my life when the inevitability of our meeting becomes so present. It’s in my body; Tightening and turning something in my chest. I feel an excitement and a dread. I notice that this flutter in my chest is really close to the one I get when I’m thinking about someone I like. And I wonder, am I in love with my death? It’s the unknown, but somehow it’s mine too – familiar – just not quite yet. There’s something compelling about the mix of mystery and inevitability. Very much like a lover – I know I will encounter it – that we will be intimate – that the experience we have will be ours alone. But the when and the how and the what and the who of it are all hidden. How will death and I feel about each other?
So perhaps I develop a crush every time I think of death. Or maybe, that feeling that I get when I like someone is just fear. And I’m really falling for my fear of them. I’m falling for the fact that there is everything to lose.
I keep walking. Where the alley meets the street, a single square window of the corner house lights up. I see a figure — a man, probably young — pass through. I smile but realize it’s dark. I wonder how much he can see of me.